Preparing elder child for the arrival of sibling

When we were expecting our second child our major concern was about how our 6 year old daughter would take it. She is at an age where she can understand some things if we explain. But having been the centre of our attention for so long, we were not sure how she would feel about sharing everything (including our attention) with her sibling.

Our friends gave us lots of suggestions and we were talking about the arrival of the baby so that she would be mentally prepared. We knew inside our heart that the real challenge was after the baby was born. Each child has his/ her own way of reacting to things.

Our daughter made it very clear that she wanted a baby sister. Reason: boys don’t understand her games and don’t play with her. I agreed partially with her logic, but I also told her that we don’t have a choice. God decides what’s in store for us. She refused to accept the possibility that it could be a boy. We fell in line with her temporarily. We thought we would be able to convince her later.

When she first heard the news that she now has a baby brother, she refused to visit the hospital. My first words to the doctor soon after delivery were “oh! Our daughter will be disappointed”. We somehow brought her for a visit to the hospital. As soon as she set her eyes on the tiny infant, we knew that half the battle was won. She was fascinated by the tiny creature that tried to wriggle in my arms and immediately became possessive about her brother.

Now we have new trouble on hand. Our daughter keeps insisting the she be a part of everything that is concerned with the baby. She wants to hold him and play with him, give him a bath, powder him and dress him up. I suspect she treats him just like another Barbie doll.

Well, the first hurdle is crossed. Now lets see …

Small town doctors are not small in skill

My silence in blogging is attributed to the addition of another member to our family. And during this time, I experienced the importance of finding a good doctor.

Hospitals are increasingly becoming corporates (more like governments I would say where the blame is shifted to someone else when things go wrong). Living in a city we kind of looked down upon the small town doctors. Not that we dint believe in their skills but we just were not happy with the way they handled things.

It feels good to wait in a roomy reception of a large hospital. Even 3 hours of wait seems nothing since you have the vending machines, pretty receptionists smiling at you once in a while, people in white coats walking past you in a hurry. When you meet the doctor, most often the doctor indulges in small talk and explains what is wrong with you and why. At the end you feel that your long wait and large consultation fees is justified.

In contrast, small town hospitals/ clinics are not too large. The queues seem long and the wait is tiresome. The doctor definitely doesn’t believe that you are worth talking to. Your questions or your detailed explanations of what you are experiencing seemingly fall on deaf ears. But the diagnosis is made and you are given the prescription. At the end, you are not really sure whether you went to the right doctor or not.

City dwellers get pampered in the corporate hospitals. But I have come across many complaints from patients where the mistakes made by the staff were unpardonable. Everyone advised me against getting admitted in a large hospital. So we decided to give doctors in our hometown a chance. It was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

The doctor spoke less, no doubt, but our questions were never left unanswered. The hospital was small but hygienic. The staff was courteous. The operation was done with clinical precision. It is said that the skill of the surgeon can be gauged by the minimum post operative care required. The overall experience left me in awe of the doctors there and my respect for them increased.

Small town doctors get most patients from villages in the vicinity. The patients cannot understand the medical terminology nor do they want to know what is happening. All they need is a prescription and directions of usage. The doctors are accustomed to such patients. I realized that I cannot expect them to treat me differently.

At the end of the day, all other things don’t matter. What matters is that as patients we trust the doctors with our lives. Hence it is extremely important that you find the right doctor no matter what part of geography you are in.

Swine flu - real threat or hype?

For the past few weeks there is heightened discussion on Swine Flu in India. All forms of media are covering it in a feverish pitch. While it is good to educate people about an infectious disease and its means of prevention, I wonder why single out this particular disease. One look at statistics would tell us that there are far more fatalities through other diseases in India.

HIV-AIDS – more than 4 million carriers and half-million deaths
TUBERCULOSIS (TB) – two deaths occur every three minutes
HEPATITIS B Virus – more than 50 million carriers and 1% of adult deaths annually
CARDIOVASCULAR Diseases – five million deaths annually
ROAD ACCIDENTS – around 1.3 million deaths annually

Tuberculosis (TB), which is supposedly a curable disease, has the highest fatality rate in India, much ahead of AIDS, Malaria or Hepatitis B. But there hasn’t been much media coverage on such diseases. Any attempt to educate people is through government or medical channels.
One possible explanation that I can come up with is that some of them are lifestyle diseases (like AIDS, Cardiovascular diseases), while some others are controllable. Hence public does not panic even though the mortality rates are higher. New diseases, especially the ones which do not have a vaccine or a cure, get higher attention since lack of knowledge leads to more apprehension. Given the increasing role of media in taking up public causes, the focus is currently on swine flu.

Does media coverage help to create awareness or unnecessary panic in the public? Both. But the actual message does not reach those who are below poverty line or those who are illiterate or those in the rural areas with not much access to the media. People do not stop travelling or going to public places or celebrate festivals in a group which are the major methods of mass transmission of the disease. So what purpose does the coverage serve? Much has been done to create awareness on AIDS, yet the rate of transmission has not been contained till date in India. Similar thing will happen in the case of Swine flu as well despite the media coverage.

Till a vaccine or a cure has been released in the market for swine flu, it will continue to be in news and then as is the case with other issues, public memory will fade and people will move on to bother about something else.

Schooling Troubles - Part (1)

I realized how much times have changed only after I became a parent. This particular revelation is regarding schools.

STEP1:

The troubles begin with shortlisting schools to apply. It isnt as easy as applying to the top three schools in the city. One has to look at various factors like:

- Name and fame of school

- Distance from home (you might end up waking up at 4am to make the kid catch the bus at 6am !!)

- Fees and other expenses (check your budget first)

- Number of kids per section (anywhere between 30 to 100)

- Color of school dress (alas!! I missed this one and landed up with a white dress everyday.
Now I have hired a maid to wash the white-turned-brown dress everyday)

- Teaching methodology (better consult other parents for feedback)
You have shell out anywhere between Rs.500 to Rs.1500 per application form in each school. I've known parents spending atleast Rs.10000 just for application forms.

STEP2:

The next hurdle is to get shortlisted for interview. Criteria:-

- Are you an alumni of the same school? (better chances and lesser capitation fees)

- Is there a sibling of the child in the same school (better chances and lesser capitation fees)

- Management quota/ recommendation of bigwigs (better chances and lesser capitation fees)

- Educational qualifications of parents (You need a PG to get the homework of KG done)

- Earning capacity of the parents (affordability of the school expenses is a must. Some schools have openly stated the annual income criteria for parents)

- Luck (a must if you want to get into topmost school)

STEP3: The Interview.

This has no commonality between schools. Each to his/her own. The child and/or parents go through this round of scrutiny. Usually entry to kindergarten requires only interview where as admission to Std I requires a written test also. There are some pre-schools which 'coach' children regarding the interviews/ exams of top schools. Good luck to all ..

STEP4: Admission (finally !!).

Brace yourself for heartburn while you sign those cheques. Minimum requirement: admission fees, tution fees, sports fees, transport fees, books and stationery, uniform and shoes, clubs/ magazines and other extras. Some schools have other payment heads also like building fund, charity fund, management fund, refundable deposit, etc..

Now that the admission is taken care of, you have to 'educate' yourself regarding the teaching methodology. Most importantly, it is a must to follow the Almanac and/or noticeboard. Some schools use latest technology. The top-end schools have flat screen TVs in the premises displaying various messages, with each classroom equipped with a projector and/or ACs. They have an online system to interact with parents.

The method and frequency of homeworks varies from school to school. Some schools have known to warn parents beforehand that they give heavy homework everyday and hence it is must for one of the parents to be unemployed in order to spend time with the child. (how will they afford the fees then?? it is a vicious circle :-( ...) Some schools hardly give any, making you wonder whether they are teaching anything. Deciphering the homework assignment message sent by the teacher sometimes requires special skill.

Extracurricular activities are equally tiresome for the parents. Sports like swimming, tennis, etc.. require special equipment/ costumes. (Why cant they have PT like we used to and play kabaddi? ). There are clubs/ houses in schools which supposedly introduce the child to many things like music, dance, art, craft, etc.. ( I think this is also intended to upgrade the awareness in parents). Then there are picnics/ outings which not only cost you money, but also lead to stress while you fret over the safety of the child.

The troubles have just started for me. Education in India is for atleast 15years. Keep watching this space for more...

Doctor's day or Daughter's day

First thing that attracted me in today’s newspaper is ‘Daughter’s day’. I started wondering whether this was another marketing gimmick. There were a few small interviews and articles, unlike Mother’s day or Father’s day where pages and pages are devoted to the occasion. Then I checked the net and found a bunch of e-cards and many websites using this occasion to promote discounts on their products. There were Daughter’s day coloring pages for kids etc, etc. Then I thought probably this was some day that somehow got missed out in the melee of festivities.

I was a little disappointed to note that the government which claims to do so much about securing the future of the girl child doesn’t bother about highlighting the importance of this day. Maybe we Indians already have enough festivals to celebrate throughout the year. Anyone heard of Son’s day? Probably that will also spring up some day.

While browsing, I also came to know that today is Doctor’s Day. So we not only get to thank the Doctors who helped us in delivering our Daughters, but also thank our daughters who brightened our lives since their birth. So here is a sincere 'Thank you'.

Teething troubles once again!!

Who said teething troubles are over once your child is 3 yrs old !! My daughter is 6 now and is about to lose her first milk tooth.

She woke up one morning and complained of a toothache while brushing. I dreaded the thought of taking her to a dentist. To my relief, I noticed that a new tooth was coming and one of her front teeth was slightly moving. I told her stories of tooth fairies like most of the parents do, but she dint seem to be convinced. She spent quite some time in front of the mirror checking at various angles and she definitely wasn’t happy at the prospect of going to school with a missing tooth. Then I explained that it was natural for everyone to lose their teeth and get good ones. I gave her examples of her cousins who were toothless for quite some time before they had a new set of teeth.

I thought this was a passing phase and the concern is definitely more for the first tooth. Little did I realize that my troubles are far from over.

Three days passed and the tooth held on. She reduced her intake of solid foods. She had nightmares about swallowing her tooth while sleeping. She dreamt about tooth fairy putting in loads of coins under her pillow. She woke up every morning to check the progress. She brushes gingerly lest her tooth would come away with the brush.

Then lightening struck and she demanded more chocolates. I started to give her the usual lecture about getting bad teeth, etc. She gave me a know-it-all look and said, “It doesn’t matter, Mummy. I can ruin my old teeth. They will fall off soon and I will get a new set of white teeth. Then I can stop eating chocolates”.

I was speechless. I still wait for the day her tooth is out and we can go about our usual business.

Salute to Mothers

Mother’s Day is here again!! So what you may ask. As a mother, it feels good to be recognized for the mundane tasks that are part of my life. What is different about this year? The kind of focus women is getting.

Every year newspaper would be filled with interviews with celebrity moms and moms of celebrities. Of course there are those ads of special gifts vouchers and promotional offers. This year these are also present. But ordinary moms also got a special mention.

Special focus is on the moms who stood behind not-so-famous achievers like the daughter of a domestic help who topped 10^th standard board exams, or the mom and daughter duo who passed their SSLC together or the mother of a blind IAS topper. There is also open discussion on single, unwed mothers and some who are mothers of gays – topics which weren’t so openly discussed before. It is quite heartening to know that such women are coming forward to speak about their lives without hiding their identity.

Celebration of womanhood has become latest fad. But somehow it seems incomplete and on the surface without the support system of laws, regulations and government policies. It is good that at least two days a year are reserved for women – Women’s day and Mother’s day. But then other than special features in print and media what use are the celebrations?

Bills on women issues are left on the table at the parliament, archaic laws which were made years ago are yet to change, security issues of now increasing women work force are yet to be tackled, and scores of women caught in the crossfire of tradition and identity-crisis are yet to be liberalized. Life of a woman hasn’t changed much in decades. It has in fact worsened in some war torn countries.

I wish there were features about such courageous and suppressed women. Women who defied tradition and stood up for their values, women behind purdah bringing about a silent revolution, women who formed self-help groups to not only help themselves but also other underprivileged. I wish the focus is on less fortunate women who are not able to break the shackles that surround them and those who are struggling to let their voices be heard.

I congratulate the achievers. But my heart is with those who are silently fighting their own battles at home, with those whose undying spirit might not have given them freedom but paved the way for a brighter future for their children, with those who died in the crossfire various battles, with those whose voice has been suppressed. 

I salute the mothers of various victims who are fighting legal battles against all odds for the injustice done to their children. And my special wishes to the would-be mothers who have the ability to shape the future of their unborn children.

Ballot Wars

Just a month back, I was totally enthralled by the way political arena in India was shaping up. With campaigns like ‘Lead India’ spreading awareness, lot more young people were willing to exercise their voting rights this year. I have voted many times in the past. But thanks to the media attention this time, the political war turf is really hot. 

Disclaimer: Since this is a democratic country and I am entitled to discreteness when it comes to voting, I am not going to take any names here.

I was initially trying to choose between two parties whose ideologies I approved of. I thought that by voting for a party I can ensure that I back the winning horse. Then the ever vigilant media focused on the misdeeds of the candidates fielded by either parties and questioned the rationale behind their nomination. Then I thought I rather not stick to a party, but probably I should look at the candidates in the constituency that I am entitled to vote. Having gone through the party manifestos, I was further disillusioned about the ‘welfare’ that the party in power would bring to the people in state. When I looked at the candidates, I was more confused. I was not convinced that I want any of them to be my representative in the assembly and I was not totally convinced about their integrity.

Now what do I do? Though I wanted to vote, it has become a case of choosing among the lesser evils. 

Another thought crossed my mind - why should I vote at all? I no longer reside in my home state. It really doesn’t matter who represents my constituency since I am not affected personally. I do not have voting rights in the current location where I stay and hence I do not have a say in the governance that directly affects me. But my inner voice told me that it is my duty to vote, not a choice.

There are many interstate migrants like me. How can they exercise their voting rights? They have to take the trouble of going back to their home state or opt for postal ballet. Many have two voter ids – one for their home state and one for their recent address. 

I wish there was a system where I can influence through my vote in the locality I stay in rather than the locality that I am registered as a voter. Probably we can have a centralized unique social security number for all citizens so that one cannot cast vote twice. I can use my SSN to vote in the place I stay and thus benefit from my decision as a citizen. Possibility or a day dream? 

Well, I am back to watching ‘Ballot wars’ on television hoping to shortlist my candidate to vote for. 

Downturn in Bangalore

A drive around Bangalore will tell you the extent to which the slowdown has hit the city. There are ‘To-Let’ boards all over the city for both residential and commercial places. There wasn’t a single shop available in central business areas or market places. Even if available it came at a high premium. Now shop space in available for rent even in the busiest of commercial areas. Places where there used to be perennial traffic jams now have smooth flowing traffic. This could also be that the timings of quite a few software companies have been extended and hence very few people are returning home around 6.30 pm everyday.

Landlords are unwilling to rise the stipulated 5% in rentals which was the norm earlier. The reason is a sharp drop in rentals across the city. The tenants can just pack their bags and rent another similar space thus saving anywhere between Rs. 1000 to 5000 per month on rental and maintenance. There are quite a few PG accommodations empty thanks to the layoffs. The ex-employees, not having many job choices, are leaving for the city. They hope to cut down on their maintenance expenses this way and return when the tide turns in the job market.

The crowd at the multiplexes and malls is also thinning. Earlier one used to avoid driving on the road in front of a mall in the evenings and weekends for the fear of a traffic jam. The traffic police and the security personnel of the mall used to have a tough time controlling the incoming crowd. Now the traffic police must be happy that only one policeman can man the place.

I was amazed to find availability in trains in the months of April and May. This is the summer vacation time and every year Indian Railways runs extra trains as ‘Summer Specials’ to cater to the vacation crowd. Looks like people do not want to go to vacation for the fear of losing their jobs.

The worst effected are the ones who have EMIs to pay. They fear taking a day off even when they are sick. The rise in interest rates hasn’t helped them in the recent past. They cannot hope to get out as the value of property has fallen and they cannot repay the loan even if they sell the property. Quite a few people are willing to relocate and take up any role as long as it helps them get a monthly cheque to pay the EMIs. These are the very people who earlier were spoilt for choice in office location, designation and pay.

Though the whole scenario is depressing, there is a silver lining. Car pooling and using public transport is also on the rise. People are extra careful nowadays in saving power hoping to cut down on their monthly expenses. Those who used to take the car out even for a short trip to the grocery store are now walking that one kilometer. Hope this prudence continues in future so that Bangalore can be cleaner and greener place.

Conservation - whose job is it?

Many activists cry out loud about citizens being aware of environmental issues and how conservation is everybody's job. In today's newspaper also I saw the mind-boggling numbers about the power wastage by households. I think the push should also be from the side of government and industry.

Many times I've noticed that the street lights are on till 10 am. Water tankers which carry water are filled to the brim and nearly one-third of it is spilled on the streets. Government vehicles and public transport emit more pollution than private run vehicles. Fans, lights and monitors of desktops are not switched off in offices. 

The government can begin by using solar panels for all street lights, signals and government offices. The street lights are to be turned off at sunrise. The bill payment counters can have solar lighting as they are open only for a short time during the day. The government should also look at replacing old fixtures like fans in its offices which use more electricity. 

There should be a common law applicable for all vehicles regarding pollution check. When police can stop and fine private vehicles, why can't they do the same for public buses? Autos and trucks are also ignored as police fear backlash from the drivers. 

What about car pooling for public officials who head towards the same destination? This way they would also be able to pool the security forces which follow them on the way.

With the political parties taking to streets due to the upcoming elections, they should be held responsible for cleaning up all the filth they cause. Has anyone ever seen the place where a rally was held? party flags, pamphlets, etc all scattered around. The poor municipality sweepers work over night to ensure clean roads for the next day. Ditto for the grounds that the politicians use for giving speeches. The litter that is spread is immeasurable.

When the government takes up the responsibility, it sets an example for people to follow. As the saying goes, 'yadha raaja, thatha praja'. (As the king does, so do the citizens)

Happy Women's Day

I saw interviews of famous women in the papers today. They are all well established in their careers. This lead me to think about the unknown faces of all those women who silently contributed to the success of others. I salute the homemakers of the world who have inspired and supported their family members to succeed and took pride in their success.

You read my article on this at:

http://www.springofthoughts.com/fullarticle.php?articleID=34

Happy Women's Day to all !!

Pavements

Lack of pavements was once considered dangerous since the pedestrian had to navigate the traffic. But walking on pavements has become more dangerous of late in India. I was in for a shock one day when I was walking on the pavement and I heard someone honking his horn constantly behind me. When I looked back I was surprised to find a biker speeding towards me on the pavement!! I jumped aside to let him pass.

Pavements in India are not for pedestrians but also business place for small vendors during evenings, ultra poor people's home during night and encroachment areas for others. Add to this the two-wheelers. Pavements have become a short cut for two wheelers which look at navigating traffic jams. This has made pavements dangerous for walkers. Pavements were elevated in order to ensure that the traffic does not spill over to that area. But that has not dissuaded bikers from driving on them, taking many a pedestrians by surprise.

There are many instances of fatal accidents. Whom to blame for this? Huge traffic which has led the bikers to drive on pavements? Lax attitude of traffic police for not penalizing such bikers? Bikers themselves who are not following rules? No matter with whom the blame lies, it is the common man who suffers.  

Letter writing

A recent incident tugged at my heart. We received a post card from our daughter who is studying in kindergarten. Her teacher made the kids write a postcard on the occasion of valentine day to their parents expressing their love. The teacher also made them post those cards. It was a lovely surprise to receive the card.

It made me go back and dig out my old correspondence from the attic. There are scores of letters and greeting cards which I saved over the years. I also found an old address book which contained (now outdated) contact details of various people ranging from my school teachers to celebrities.

I spent innumerable Sundays writing pages and pages of letters. Somehow I could never fit in my letters on a postcard or in the blue inland envelope. The replies that I got back are equally lengthy. Nothing significant was discussed in the letters expect mundane life happenings which we simply wanted to share.

There are greeting cards for all occasions. For my birthday – every year and during the New Year. (now e-cards are a click away). What I treasure most are the cards that I received on special occasions – the one sent by my school teacher after I won one of the prestigious competitions, inspirational cards by some when I was going through tough phases,  the one that my Dad gave when I joined my first job, the one sent by my sister expressing the importance of our relationship, some cards given by my husband on various occasions. Then there are cards that friends sent for no specific reason other than the fact that they remembered me.

I felt a surge of emotions as I went through each one. All those memories came back as I fondly remembered the people who touched my life over the years.

I really am sorry that letter writing is no longer there and I felt bad that my daughter would miss out on all the fun.

So what did I do? I spent the Sunday making a greeting card along with my daughter. We used up all her crayons and gum, but we managed to put together a ‘thank-you’ card for her teacher.

Friendship !

It has been quite some time since I posted something. I have been catching up with old friends after a long time. Thanks to technology I am able to catch up both online and offline. 

Most common question: 'Have you been in touch with others?'

Most dreaded question: 'How's your work?'

We have changed as individuals but we share common memories. It was an amazing experience to relive those moments. We used to write letters to each other. It was good fun going through some of those. With the advent of email there isn’t any more emotional attachment to the communication. Either you archive them or you delete emails. In any case the content is mostly so short that no one sees any value add in saving a mail except for the address.

Technology is helpful in bridging gaps, but it also creates new ones. I have been able to locate my school friends through various networking sites. But mass communication has made keeping in touch very impersonal. Many of the mails that I get are forwards. Even if someone has to write a personal note it is a short email. 

The re-unions make you realize how much time has passed and you regret not having spent more time with your friends when you could.

Job Matching

People look at compatibility while entering into matrimonial bond. But do not give it a thought while choosing one's jobs. After umpteen conversations with people who job-hop, I realized that just like the never ending search for 'perfect partner', the search for a 'perfect job' is also a never ending one. Only after they accept an offer do they realize that there is a mismatch between one's aspirations and the environment offered at work (sounds same for marriage?). It makes me question whether there is anything called as 'perfect job'.

First of all, what do people look for in a job? I am listing a few qualities in random order:
- Salary (of course, money is honey)
- Job profile (designation and role is the first thing people look for )
- Brand name of the organization (looks good on one's resume)
- Job Satisfaction (it is like nirvana. Everyone aspires for this but mostly no one ever achieves it)
- Growth (whether the career path in the organization leads one to the final goal and how fast)
- Location (foreign assignments or native place)
- Work-life balance (increasingly becoming important)
- Fun (haven't heard too many people say this, but still)
- Work environment (which includes tasty lunch, gym, etc)
- Good boss/ team (people quit jobs because of bad boss/ team, but rarely does one get to know before joining)
- Employee friendly policies (wide range of things are covered in this including sabbaticals)

Most of the things listed are material (baring one or two). There is no emotional aspect mentioned. People do not list down the 'qualities' aspired for in an organization and they rarely list down their own qualities which they think would fit in the organization. Most of us tend to think that this is the job of HR people. Most job matching happens keeping your profile and the job requirement in mind. Career profiling for high schoolers is catching up these days. But not before taking up a job. Anyone ever thought of attitude matching between potential employee and organization for every job that one applies for?

Matching qualities are important for compatibility. Hardly anyone looks at the history, conduct and image of the organization in the eyes of various stakeholders (The same details become important while choosing a life partner !). Would any person with self integrity join an organization which is known to play dangerously with rules? If you are a plain hardworking person but the organization rewards 'smart work' then you wont fit into the long term plans of the company. If the organization is filled with coterie of people and you are a loner, then be assured you won't be moving up the ladder in a hurry until you associate yourself with one of the camps. If power in the organization is concentrated in a select few, then there would be glass ceiling somewhere in the hierarchy. If you are a flamboyant/ outgoing person stuck in a desk job I am sure you will be looking out soon.

I suggest get to know the organization well before you think of joining (kind of dating..). Not only the future but also the past since it gives you an idea whether the conduct of the organization is in line with your own personality. Those who are more risk taking and have an entrepreneurial streak in them will find their own calling sometime in life. Freedom/ independence in work has its boundaries and those who aspire to move beyond can never do so in any organization unless it is their own.

But then why bother with all this if you don't intend to retire in the organization that you are joining? If it is a short 'affair' then enjoy your stint and have fun! If its marriage for life, then be very careful as the relationship might be disappointing if not heartbreaking.